PP Relationship Advice, Perfect for Valentine's Day

It seems like we have stumbled upon an area in positive psychology that still tends to focus on the negatives, with good reason however: interpersonal relationships.

I want a heart balloon for Valentine's Day! JK, chocolate is better. 

Apparently 95% of people will marry at some point, though 40% of marriages will end in divorce, which doesn't seem anything particularly groundbreaking. Though these divorces are most common after 6-7 years..after kids come into the picture. More specifically, these relationships run out of two types of love: companionate and passionate. 

Passionate love tends to peak early in relationships and is characterized by extreme absorption and dramatic mood swings. Companionate love involves the intertwining of lives, unshakable affection, and a history of being involved with each other. One key way to avoid divorce/ending of a relationship, is to build a healthy passionate and companionate relationship. It would be ideal that the passionate aspect stabilize, rather than completely fade away which is especially possible when kids became the main focus of the couples' life. It is essential to maintain your relationship, and it may the be most helpful to do that away from the kids sometimes.

Another fundamental aspect of relationships is "relational efficacy" and this is the belief that you can weather conflict together. So, don't avoid conflict..confront it together! Use and develop relational efficacy to avoid the "four horsemen" of a bad marriage/relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Replace these behaviors with complaint, appreciation, responsibility, and self-soothing. Complaint means fully articulating your problems in a respectful manner: instead of saying, "Could you do the dishes for once?!", phrase it by saying, "It makes me frustrated when you do not do the dishes.". Cheesy, but hey, it apparently works.

Finally, there appears to be a magic ratio for marriages.. 5:1. This means that there is an effort to make 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. As this ratio gets closer to 1:1, divorce becomes more likely. This comes from a leading Marriage researcher, John Gottman, who can predict later divorce rates of the couples he studies up to 94% accuracy. You can check out his info at www.gottman.com!

It all seems so easy, doesn't it? Happy Valentine's Day!

Cesky Terrier, one of the six new breeds at the Westminster Dog Show this year

P.S. The Westminster Dog Show has a new sponsor this year, so you should definitely check it out this Monday and Tuesday.

Let's Talk about Biology

Oxytocin, either you hate it or love it.

Someone needs to develop some cuddling skills.

Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter in the brain that is released in response to skin-on-skin contact...it's the "cuddle horomone". It tends to increase during pregnancy and childbirth, and is responsible for those lovely cramps. Maybe it was the reason why I almost starting crying when I saw a little boy get on the school bus earlier this week. #oxytocinproblems


Research has been done with this chemical in mice and other animals: OT knockout mice don't recognize familiar others with repeated exposure and injection of OT into mice induces maternal behaviors in female virgin mice. Research with "orphaned" monkeys have lower OT levels and more disturbed social behavior (gaze and contact avoidance, attached to inanimate objects) compared to other monkeys who were raised by their mother.


This all ends up at the "Tend and Befriend" Hypothesis which states that when women are stressed that TEND to children more often and BEFRIEND more females in supportive social networks. Guys don't like to make friends when they're stressed. For example, I can definitely recall several instances in the minutes leading up to a test or a midterm where I bonded with the people (all girls that I can remember) around me in our last moments before the exam. 


All in all, oxytocin is pretty important, especially for females and this apparently female version of the "fight or flight" phenomenon.

Stumbling on Happiness

Totally saw this book at the Book Loft today, and regret not buying it! I initially heard about this book in class and so I've been keeping an eye out for it (but..with a reasonable price). 


One of the main points that Gilbert makes is that income does not increase our happiness after a certain point.  More specifically, once one reaches middle class, the relationship between happiness and income greatly diminishes.  However, we have discussed in class that those with really high incomes tend to be happier..but that is at the extreme end of the spectrum.


The main take-away is that more happiness will come from enjoying one's job (being engaged,  feeling psychologically safe, drawing meaning from the work) and having healthy social ties.  

The Secret to Happiness

Quirky psychologist Barry Schwartz reveals the paradox of choice and the secret to happiness.

What I look like when I shop: a hot mess.

The points made by Schwartz can easily be seen in my visits to Forever 21. I walk in, enjoy the atmosphere of potential new wardrobe pieces, then freeze. Why am I trying on so many things? Do I really need all of this? Yes..but in this color?! 


Another interesting and relevant point made in Positive Psychology class was the characteristics of Maximizers and Satisficers.  Maximizers are prone to the 21st century's emphasis on plentiful choices -- the more options, the more time they take to make the choice, thus leading to more regret about the choice. Satisficers will pick the "good-enough" choice, and take less time to pick that choice.  As a result, Maximizers take longer to find jobs and make more money, but are less satisfied with their job. Glad I accepted my first job offer.

New Science of Happiness

The New Science of Happiness

This is one of my first readings required for class and thought it was an extremely interesting introduction to the field. 


Though this was published in 2005, I can still say that here in 2012, the discipline of psychology seems to still focus on pushing an individual to a negative to a neutral state, rather than going beyond into a positive state.  Having taken almost a dozen college-level Psychology courses since Winter of 2009, with a few Honors-level ones mixed in as well, I hadn't heard anything about Positive Psychology until my Health Psychology course this past summer.  The brief mention of this field really caught my attention and thus here I am.


Some of the points that I find more interesting article revolve around the genetic influence of happiness (up to 50% is "genetically programmed") and every individual having a unique happiness set point, much like how we come to stay around a certain weight once we get older, no matter how much exercise or dieting is accomplished.

Positive Psychology

"Positive psychology is the study of the conditions and processes that contribute to the
flourishing or optimal functioning of people, groups, and institutions." - Gable and Haidt, 2005.

Hope you're as happy as this guy.

This blog is being used a helpful means of organization for my Positive Psychology class this quarter.  Having been assigned a few experiential activities that have been proven to make any given individual's life a little bit happier, I want to simply post my attempts and understand any effect on my quality of life. Here goes nothing!